Fully Known Fully Loved and Fully Challenged

This is a simple formula that if lived out can have a profound impact. I believe most of us have experienced being fully known, fully loved, and fully challenged at some point in our lives, but we may not have been aware of it at the time or why it was so impactful. If we did experience and understood why it was impactful, we may not have been able to describe the experiences or express it in a simple useable format or view it in a way that it could be replicated.

I learned this framework when I had the privilege and honor a few years ago to have dinner with one my favorite authors and pastors, Matt Keller. During this dinner, he explained that God revealed this concept to him during his experiences of shepherding a growing church.

Often, two of the three elements are present but rarely all three. I believe when all three are present for every team member, a company or organization can unlock their God given potential. When all three are present, a leader can go from being a good leader to a great leader.

That dinner, and learning this lesson was one of those moments in time that I will always remember. It was an inflection point for my life and changed my paradigm. It changed the way I lead, how I husband and how I father.

What does it mean for a team member to be Fully Known?

I believe that being fully known means you have a deep sense of who they intrinsically are. This does not mean you know every detail of their life, but you have taken the time to learn about them. You learn about their family, their passions, goals, and who they really are.

You understand the person God has designed them to be. We always list this first because it’s hard to fully love someone without fully knowing them. Too often we do not pause and take the time to get to know the people around us.

Conversely, when we do not fully know someone it’s easy to write them off and dismiss them. We devalue them when we do not know them. There is a common saying that people love their congressman or congresswomen because they know them but they “hate” congress because it’s a group of people they do not know.

What does it mean for a team member to be Fully Loved?

I believe being fully loved means you love them unconditionally for who they are and not for what they have done. It’s agape love. It means that no matter what happens, you care about them and want what is best for them.

It doesn’t mean that their work performance is not important. It means that you consider their work performance in the context of who they fully are as a human being, as a perfect child of God. Sometimes the greatest act of love or doing what is in a team members best interest can be letting someone go from your team so they can be in a culture that is the best fit to help them grow.

Conversely, when you do not fully love someone, you can want what is best for you and not for them. They will never fully trust you and feel used. You can also end up not seeing the great things they have done and only see the negative mistakes. We as humans all have faults and we all make mistakes and without love its hard to see past someone’s faults and mistakes.

What does it mean for a team member to be Fully Challenged?

I believe if you fully love someone, that you will want what is best for them and therefore you will help them to become the best version of themselves. You will challenge them to be the person they were designed to be. You will not only challenge them but through examples show them you being challenged in your life and leave the door open for them to fully challenge you.

So often we stop short of challenging people because we do not want to offend them or be mean to them. However, if we do not challenge each other how can we grow and become better?

Conversely, when you do not fully challenge someone, they become stagnant and stop growing. They never become the person they were designed to be. They will leave to find someone or some place that challenges them and leaves them fulfilled.

Now that we have the definitions of fully known, fully loved, and fully challenged, let’s look at what happens when only 2 of the 3 concepts are present.

Fully Known and Fully Loved but not Fully Challenged – Creates Complacency

When you fully know and fully love someone, but don’t challenge them towards their best, they can never become the person they were called to be and they may never reach their potential, and consequently, as a leader, you may never reach your potential.

This is the combination I believe most leaders strive to be. They are comfortable with stopping at fully knowing and fully loving the people in their organization because they do not want to hurt people’s feelings or overcome the fears of challenging their team.

They are also comfortable with stopping here because I believe most people think when someone fully knows them and fully loves them that the leader is a good leader. They hear positive feedback from the people they lead and see an impact on the lives they serve, but it falls short. Without fully challenging their team, they never inspire someone to be better, just simply good. People will stay with you and your organization, and they will think you are a good leader, but they will never be inspired and you may never become a great leader.

When you fully know and fully love your team but stop short of fully challenging them, eventually your organization will die because your team and consequently your organization will become complacent with who they are and who the organization is. When you are complacent, you don’t grow or become better and without changing and growing your organization will eventually die. This combination is so dangerous because it’s rooted in great intentions, and everyone feels good.

I have been fortunate to have had so many people like this in my life. They are amazing people. They made me feel great and are great cheerleaders, but they neglected to challenge me and force me to grow.

We want to collect as many of these people as possible because they are our cheerleaders and make us feel good. Good but not great leaders collect these people like cards. These leaders want a lot of yes people around them to boost their ego and make them feel good but without challenging them they create complacency and complacency is the enemy of growth.

Fully Loved and Fully Challenged but not Fully Known – Become Discouraged

This is that leader that helps you work towards the person you are called to be. This is the coach of a large team. They love you and are there in your time of need. They challenge you and help you become better, but they don’t know you or understand you so they can never unlock you full potential and for that, they fail you.

You may talk fondly of them, but you have no loyalty towards them. Their challenge resonates with you better than the person that knows you and challenges you, but doesn’t love you, because it comes from a place of love. They don’t just challenge you; they challenge you out of love for you and want you to be the best person.

However, because they don’t know you, over time, you end up feeling discouraged. It becomes shallow and even though they love you it doesn’t feel that way. You feel like you can never live up to their expectations. You also start to feel unimportant, like just a number since they don’t fully know you.

This is the combination that comes naturally for me. I am an enneagram type 8 which is referred to as “the challenger,” so I naturally have no problem challenging myself or others, but I also naturally love others and care about them so when I challenge people, they know I am doing it because I believe it will help them and not myself.

However, in my “business” of trying to accomplish more and impact more people, I forget to slow down, pause, and get to fully know them. This leaves them feeling discouraged. They start to only seek me when they want to be challenged and not when they need to be challenged.

This leadership will leave your team discouraged and they will not want to grow. They will feel growth is unachievable.

Fully Known and Fully Challenged but not Fully Loved – Feel Uninspired

I call this the “tough mother effect.” As an enneagram type 8 I love these people and I naturally gravitate to them. I love being challenged, especially when that person has invested the time to get to know me. They don’t just challenge me, they challenge me deeply in all areas of my life because they know me, my good qualities, and bad ones, and what I have done. These people really mold you into a better person.

Most people avoid these kinds of leaders because they don’t want to be challenged and they especially don’t want to be challenged when the sting of that challenge comes from what someone fully knows about them.

When someone says you need to take better care of yourself because your love of McDonald’s is getting too deep (sorry I just got personal), you know they are right, and you may make changes. But you end up feeling resentment and emptiness because something is missing. Without feeling that they fully love you, you can end up feeling uninspired and questioning their motives. After a while you avoid them because you sense they are never satisfied with you as you are. You miss the deep relaxation that comes from unconditional love, that you might feel from a loving parent.

This leadership will leave you with an inspired team that stops growing because they are not inspired to become better.